Alden Coleman is an anagram for Called No Name (waygroovy) wrote,
Alden Coleman is an anagram for Called No Name
waygroovy

Fall depression cycle begins

I've been in a pretty bad place... well always, but this is my tiny rant for my current situation :) :| :/

I keep waffling about my job. I love the place, the people, the culture. I don't have any job satisfaction at all though. I have little to no creative outlet here. I find most of the work I'm assigned is redundant time filler exercises. I do them, but I pay very little attention to them. I'm either on workwebpage, or reddit, or imgur, or clickerheroes, etc. etc. I rarely do only work. My attention is split and I'm only halfway here.

I keep getting told by both peers and managers that when I choose to put my mind on it they're amazed by my contributions to the team. I'm told that the things I know and do are invaluable. At the same time I'm told that I need to fall in line and do what everyone else is doing. That simply doesn't add up to me. If I'm valuable at doing the things I'm doing, and also meeting the requirements set out in front of me, then that should be at least adequate, if not good performance.

After 3 years of commuting 117 miles round trip daily I uprooted my family from their home of 8 years. We needed the change, but in doing so I feel like we killed our sense of place in community. We were Cub Scout and Boy Scout leaders and members. We were active with a community center Karate program. We were actively involved at Church with small devotional groups. It was rare to go shopping and not run into someone we knew and cared for in the community.

Now my oldest needs be prodded, and nearly dragged to Boy Scout meetings. My youngest has also asked to quit Scouting. The Mrs has a new job (in part what prompted the ability to move) and doesn't have the time to volunteer that she used to.

We haven't sold our old house yet. We bought our new place in late June, so we've had dual mortgages and utility bills for 4 months so far. The house we bought has been full of problems including foundation issues, water damage, mold, and more. We bought the place "as-is" from the local church that we'd be attending if we had the time to do anything other than juggle house repairs.

I drained our family stocks last year when my wife had a panic-attack over her student loans and no job yet. I paid off my sister for her half of my grandmothers house that she left the two of us. The house that my Mom and Dad live in rent free. Bought new windows and a new heating/air conditioning unit this year too for that house. So yeah, I'm up to three houses now with the insurance and taxes to go along with them.

Wednesday my account balance was < $6. I'm not used to living paycheck to paycheck at all. We haven't had to live that way since very early in our marriage. We were DualIncomeNoChildren for a while, and both active duty Military, when we started out.

So on my way home from night shift Wednesday I swung by Radio Shack. I wanted to pick up a simple little servo for my 3d printer, to add in auto bed levelling functionality. I checked the account balance from my phone in the lot, and started crying.

It seemed like such a frivolous simple thing to be defeated over, but that was my tipping point.

Things are looking slightly up though. We got an offer on the house that we accepted. It's about $6k less take home than we wanted.

I also applied for a different job. It looks like something right up my alley: automation and simulation, with a focus on the US Navy, specifically my old department and ship class. I'd hate to leave my friends and coworkers here, but I need some more personal fulfilment at work. Right now I loathe and resent myself because that's the perceived attitude I have reflected from a few of my peers.

/rant.
Tags: rant
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